SATURDAY JULY 17th, 1604
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Latest Military Strike LEAVES FIFTEEN DEAD

Bretonnian troops and cavalry struck the orc stronghold of Fell Urgosh yesterday, killing at least fifteen of the vile beasts and wounding 32 in a day that saw new violence across the country. Near Abbotside, a cowardly orc raid descended on a cart carrying new royal military recruits, killing six people, reports say.

The people were travelling towards Drakelow when they were ambushed by orcs who opened fire with crude crossbows. Five men were killed and two others were taken to a local temple of Ire with serious injuries.

Travelling high gnome scholar Fitzgerald Keats witnessed the attack from the shelter of some nearby brush, and reported the attack to authorities.

The military said the Fell Urgosh strikes targeted a meeting point in the centre of the city, for orcs loyal to the evil warlord Carn Blood-Eye.

"Intelligence sources reported that orc insurgents were using the site to plan additional attacks against Brettonian citizens," the military said.

LOCAL BOY MADE BAD, to much delight

Pol Dryvelt didn't win much, but Drakelow loved him just the same.

Nearly two decades after he first stepped into the wrestling ring, Del Dryvelt, "The Duke of Drakelow," was doing an on-camera interview in a Drakelow locker room the late '80s. The interviewer asked: "What will you ever do if you win?"

"He didn't think I'd have a comeback," Dryvelt remembered. "I said: 'Hey, if I ever win a match, I'm going to retire! The challenge would be ovah! All I gotta do is win one, and I'm done.' "

Dryvelt first appeared before wrestling crowds in green tights playing the friendly wood elf. But he always felt he'd be better as a bad guy, or "heel," and he soon dropped the elvish garb in favor of black tights, a leather vest, and shoulder-length bleached blond hair. Rounding out his image was a mostly toothless bottom gumline (he told fans he lost the teeth in the ring, though it was actually in an riding accident).

"It looked like I had two fangs," Dryvelt said. "I would never wear the dentures in the ring. I would grab an arm and act like I was biting it."

HOMELESS PROBLEM growing

It might be that large box just outside the city gates, or a glimpse of what looks like a small tent in some brush. They are signs that the homeless problem is again growing. Many of these urban nomads suffer from problems with alcohol or have physical and emotional problems, others just fell on hard times.

This is where the homeless now live. Tucked away in society's nooks and crannies. Unseen by most of us. Living in places we'd just rather not look at. Increasingly, though, the homeless have sought us out.

"I was an innkeeper in Duvik's Pass," said Reggie Vennette, who's been homeless for five years.

Reggie Vennette is one of a growing number of homeless who work the street corners of Drakelow looking for handouts. Reggie and a friend share a corner near The One Armed Monkey, a local tavern that's very popular amongst fisherfolk and their friends. His buddy carries the usual sign proclaiming he is hungry and homeless. Reggie says he prefers a bit more honesty.

Reggie could be putting in his hours on a local ship, instead of sitting on a bucket on a street corner. He could be making plenty of gold, living a normal life, but he says he's not interested.

"I've been independent for so long, that, if I had a boss-man I'd probably strangle him before the day was over. You'd think I was a low gnome!"

And on this day, passersby have been generous. What more could you want?

Manhunt launched for THREE ESCAPED PRISONERS

The Drakelow Watch has launched a manhunt for three prisoners who escaped from the Lionheart Prison, authorities reported on Sunday.

Mphumezo Nkwenezi, Ayanda Tom and Bathandwa Ntshodi, recent immigrants from Ubaya, all aged 19, were arrested for housebreaking and theft. Correctional services spokesman Evan Matthews said the prisoners might have escaped through the Scholarsward around 3pm on Saturday.

Their absence was only noticed during the routine roll call on Saturday night.

Correctional services Minister Nate Balfour expressed deep concern at the spate of recent prison breakouts, saying "So far it's just been regular criminals... what if the mentally deviant inmates start escaping!?" The minister was expected to visit the King William's Town prison on Sunday afternoon, say official reports.

CHOOSING WINE

It can be rather daunting wading through the sea of wine available at the local merchant.

But here to help us pick the best selection is wine expert Balin Goldhoarder. He talked to a Herald representative this week.

Herald: What's the biggest difference between a 2s bottle of wine and a 10g bottle?

Goldhoarder: Go up a notch and experience a better tasting wine. But you know, 2s will get you a fine mug of dwarvish ale, which, in my opinion, beats out wine any day.

Herald: Does a less expensive bottle of wine mean it's of lower quality?

Goldhoarder: You get what you pay for, which isn't always such a bad thing: I've found some really nice brews in the back of my icebox on occasion.

Herald: It can be overwhelming to see all the bottles staring you in the face... How do we make a good selection?

Goldhoarder: Take time and browse through. Ask if anyone can give you information on a wine. If not, buy several kegs, and drink them until you make up your own mind. Invite a friend, if you can't handle the liquor yourself.

Herald: If we are going to a dinner party, what wine would you suggest?

Goldhoarder: Dinner party? Last time I went to a dinner party, I brought three kegs of Brownbeard's Best Brew -- it was the hit of the party!

Herald: Is it best to try different wines to see what suits a person best?

Goldhoarder: Of course! Drink as much as possible! It's the only way to gain a true respect for the brew!

ROSE'S BLOOMING

BRIAR Rose, the self-styled pop bitch who wed for the second time last weekend, is telling friends she is expecting her first litter, The Herald on Sunday has learned.

A source close to the popular canine singer-songwriter said last night: "Briar has told only her family and closest circle that she is pregnant."

The pregnancy, which Rose, 2, has privately admitted, is a dream come true, and marks the end of a turbulent year for the pop star.

First she eloped to Damascus with childhood sweetheart Jack of Hearts, but the marriage failed after just 3 hours, a new record for celebrity canine nuptuals. She met her new husband, canine producer Kelvin Effect, in April while he was still involved with unknown Shocking Pink.

Effect, 3, has reportedly signed a pre-nuptial agreement which gives him 150g for each year of marriage if he and Rose split.

NEW RECRUITS NEEDED for Brettonian military!

KING LIONHEART NEEDS YOU!

Come and live the adventure in the army. Openings are always available, the pay and food is great, and generous pension and disability benefits are available.

Fight the orc menace, win back Brettonia for Brettonians!

SEWER PROBLEMS continue

Local fortune teller Peggy Mehican was sitting in her basement workplace and apartment in the North End when, suddenly, her wall exploded, releasing a geyser of sewage. The force was so severe that Peggy was thrown across the room by a blast of human waste.

By the time the Watch arrived, there was two feet of sewage standing in the room. Another unexplained sewer explosion, and still, authorities have no answer.

"There was sewage in my soup," Mehican told the Herald. "Somebody has to do something!"

A bounty of 500g is offered for information leading to discovering the cause of these mysterious smelly problems.

ALL MERCHANDISE HALF OFF at Brubacher's Harness: Today through Sunday

EVERYTHING MUST GO!

Due to family difficulties, Jim Brubacher is forced to close his doors forever. But his misfortune is the public's fortune, with never-before-seen deals on harness and tack!

Come in to Brubacher's, just off the Kingsway, two blocks from the East Gate. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to purchase some of Drakelow's best tack at an unbelievable price!